A Highlander/Danger Bay Crossover by Jacquie Groom

There was only one place where he could open the letter.  Sitting cross-legged in front of the simple tombstone, he wrapped his raincoat closer round him, and took a deep breath.

Duncan had offered to come with him, but he knew it was something he had to face alone.  And Duncan had nodded, a strangely wistful look in his dark eyes.  Memories, no doubt, of the lovely, talented Tessa, the woman his friend had loved and lost before he'd become such a part of Methos' life.

The writing on the outer envelope was unknown and impersonal.  A lawyer,  or a secretary.  But there was another inside - a bulky envelope improvised out of a paper bag.  And the name - oh that name - was undoubtably written in her dear, shaky letters.  She had written that.  She - she had touched this bag.  Closing his eyes against the tears that sprung to his eyes, he hugged the letter to his chest, almost able to feel her frail body, bury his face in her silky hair.

For a moment he sat there, wondering how long it would hurt like this.  "You should know," a small, stern voice said deep in his mind.  "How many wives, how many lovers have you buried ?"  But not like this, he thought.  Nothing like this for so, so long.

Alexa !  His whole being cried out for her, night after lonely night.  He found himself wandering through the chilly streets, invariably ending up by the quayside,  poking his head round the barge door.  Duncan had been his life-line; he found himself relying on the easy familiarity and acceptance he found with the man he so admired. For the first time in centuries he had a friend.  And he had never needed one more than now.

He opened the makeshift envelope, and took out a thin photo album, another envelope, and a thin sheet of paper.  Trembling slightly, he opened the letter, and read.

My dearest Adam,

It's getting so hard to write, my love, but I know I must do this.  There are things I should have told you, secrets I never shared.  For so long I told myself 'tomorrow'.  But now I begin to realise that, one day soon,  tomorrow will not come.

You can never know, my dearest one, how much I love you.  You plucked me out of the narrow rut my life had become, sweeping me off my feet, showing me things I had never dreamed of seeing, showering me with love and attention.  Oh, Adam, you have given me so much.  At times I felt so selfish, as if I was taking everything and giving nothing at all.  But yet, I could read the love in your eyes, and knew that to refuse you would you hurt more than to give in and sink into your arms, accepting all that you gave me.

You gave me everything, Adam.  A reason to want to live every second as if it was the last.  The happiest days of Alexa's life.

But, my love, I must tell you of my childhood.  Of my family.  And my real name.  You must hear it from me.  And please, my darling, never feel that I kept it from you for purposes of deception.  I am Alexa.  Your Alexa.  I gave up all that I used to be the day the doctors decided that they could do no more.

My name used to be Nicole.  Nicole Roberts.  I had a father, and a brother, and a step-mother I loved. We lived in a wild, beautiful area, and my brother and I roamed free.  I was young, and carefree, daring and adventurous.  I thought life held no boundaries for me, that there was nothing I could not achieve.  I wanted to be - oh, so many things.  A vet, like my father.  A pilot.  A sportswoman.  An archaeologist.  There were so many possibilities, and I knew I could achieve so very much. 

Remember the day I persuaded you to take me sailing, in the Greek islands ? Poor Adam, I didn't realise anyone could be so sea-sick. You seemed so surprised to see me handle that little yacht.  Surprised and proud. Yet I used to practically live on the water.  It almost claimed my life a couple of times.   Oh, my darling, I wasn't always this frail, useless creature.  I wish you'd known me then.  And yet, without this stupid illness, we would never have me.

I was just getting ready for college when they discovered my illness.  And we started the endless round of doctors, and specialists, of treatment and therapy.  But nothing helped.  It was tearing my family apart, and I began to find their love almost oppressive.  As if I was bearing their pain as well as my own.  And then the darkness came down.

So I broke free.  I sat them down, and explained that I was leaving.  I wanted to die alone.  I didn't want them to live their lives around me, circling me like vultures, waiting for the end.  I couldn't bear it.  Oh, my love, I was so cruel. I know that now.  But then, then it was the only way I could survive the time I had left. 

Somehow I ended up in Seacouver, took the name Alexa, and my mother's maiden name.  Joe took pity on me, and gave me a job.  And I met you.

I didn't want to fall in love. I was determined not to.  But you had to look at me,  the rain dripping off your nose, that mournful look in your deep brown eyes, and I could no more refuse you than I could punish the pet otter I had as a child. I let myself be swept away by your love.  And nothing could have given me more joy.

I used to want the world.  Selfish and so confident, I  expected it to open up before me.  Now all I want is you. And more time.

You.  Because the alternative is unthinkable.

Adam, my love.  I know you have secrets too;  things in your past and your present that do not concern me.  When you are asleep, your brow furrows as if the whole world's worries were your concern.  And you mumble in your sleep.  Strange words in strange languages.  Sometimes I wonder where you go in your dreams, and wish that I could follow you.

So, my darling Adam, can you forgive me for hiding my past from you ?

Secure in your love, I've written to my father.  Told him about you, about us.  That I am happy.  That I did the right thing, and that I'm sorry for the way I treated them.  What I would most love, would be for you to take the letter to my family.  Try and explain.  You always say the right thing.  If I'm asking too much, just send the letter to Dr Roberts, Danger Bay.  It'll get there.

Thank you for every second you shared with me.  For every kiss, for every glance, for every smile that told me that I was loved.

Remember me

Alexa Nicole

Methos, his shoulders bowed, stared down at his hands.  "Well ?" he demanded.

Duncan handed his friend the flimsy sheet of paper.  His deep brown eyes were shining, as if tears were not far away.  "She loved you very much," he said quietly.

"But I never guessed -" he began.   "I never even asked about a family ! How could -"

Duncan lifted a hand to stop his words.  "Don't !" he said.  "Don't begin on that.  She made a decision before she met you. Without you, she would have lived out her days in Seacouver, alone and unloved.  You gave her so much happiness."

Methos sighed.  "You're right."  He grinned up at his friend.  "As usual.  Don't you ever get fed up of being right ?"

Duncan shook his head, his eyes glinting in the evening light. 

"I just wish ..." the older immortal began, wiping his eyes with his scarf. "It's so unfair.  So uneven.  I now know all her life.  And she knew nothing of me.  Or only the part I showed her.  So very, very little."

"There was no other way," Duncan said quietly.  "To tell someone that you are immortal when they are dying ..."  Sadly, he thought of the day that Charlie had died.  "It hurts you both."

"More than the secret ?" Methos glanced up.

"I don't know," Duncan admitted after a moment, sitting down by his friend and opening a can of beer.  "Perhaps that's the problem.  We grow older, we see so much, yet we can't know all the answers, because we're on the outside of so many of the questions."

Methos took a deep breath and stood up.  "Thanks," he said briefly.  "See you."

Duncan stared at him.  "Where are you off to ?"

The older immortal smiled.  "I have to find a Dr. Roberts in Danger Bay.  And tell him what a wonderful person his daughter was."

"Are you sure ?"

"Oh yes," Methos said, a wistful look in his clear eyes.  "The alternative is - unthinkable."

The end